me and noah sept. 2006
You know what's disappointing? Motherhood. I don't mean that being a mother is disappointing. It's not. All the little failures we set ourselves up for, are. Luckily, things with Noah went almost perfect. I gained an "ok" amount of weight, I delivered him completely naturally and was told I was a trooper for doing so without grimacing. Noah hit all of his milestones right on track, and I knew that because I was paying attention and waiting for him to do so. I felt so proud. As he hit a milestone, it confirmed I was a good mother. This was especially important at that time as I was a single mom, which to me, felt like an automatic disadvantage so I was trying to make up for it by being perfect in every other way. I felt like everyone else was doing an inferior job parenting compared to me. I did everything great. I was always prepared, always an extra outfit in my cute diaper bag, never a long fingernail, a messy outfit or a special moment not photographed. The only way I felt like I was lacking was breastfeeding. For the first 5 months or so, Noah gained right on track, 50th percentile (perfect). Then he started to drop more and more until he was 9 months old or so and hit a low between the 5th and 10th percentile for weight. The doctor suggested that my breast milk didn't contain enough calories. I hated it. I worried so much and just wanted him to gain weight but by this time it was too late to supplement with formula, the poison I had opted out of for my perfect baby. The doctor suggested formula but Noah didn't want it because he hadn't had it previously. I nursed him for 12 solid months and then two days after his birthday we stopped and he didn't mind at all. Once he drank whole milk from a sippy and ate more solid food he gained more weight and it's been all fine and normal since then.
Hazel came into this world via emergency c-section and then as far as eating habits, she followed Noah's suit. She gained fine for the first 5 months. Then she decided to stop nursing around 9 or 10 months. I thought with Noah maybe I was too extreme losing weight so with Hazel I made sure not to try too hard to lose weight so she could be healthy and breastfed for as long as she wanted. But she didn't want to nurse as long as I wanted her to. It never seemed to satisfy. Every nursing she and Noah did was so short and I knew they must not be getting enough. What do you do when something so "natural" isn't coming naturally. My super easy second birth was supposed to be short, sweet and all natural. The emergency c-section was not that. Then to not be able to meet all of Hazel's needs with breast milk hurt, too. After nine or ten months of nursing she moved straight over to a bottle of whole milk, no formula for her either. She preferred it and I couldn't blame her. I don't want to have a hungry baby.
So this leads me to Olive who also came to this world via c-section and who also seems hungry. Olive's whole life I've been open to supplementing with formula. I told her pediatrician my concerns and he agreed it could be good to supplement. I've had a time consuming calling at church Olive's whole life so when I go to meetings she gets formula from Michael. I never have much milk when I'm pumping so I figured this was a good plan. Ever since her first feeding she has been a way better nurser than the other two. It's so disappointing to not be able to give her everything she needs. In my heart I am a cloth diapering, natural birthing, too long nursing mother but it just isn't so. Cloth diapers made the girls rash, I've had two c-sections instead of three natural births, and my babies are not getting everything they need from my breast milk. Why is motherhood so disappointing? This last week we have had such terrible colds and since I'm breastfeeding (almost exclusively) I didn't want to take much but I did take sudafed a couple of times to make things more bearable. The side effect can be that it dries your milk up some. I don't know if it was that it did that or I worried that it might but I started to give Olive formula more this week and she seems so much more satisfied. I was surprised as I gave one of my children a bottle of formula for the first time, it was perfectly natural. It was like a really good nursing session. Ever since, I've given her formula every day in between nursing and she is so much more satisfied. I'm so happy for her. Why am I sad for me? I don't know if I should even try to nurse her anymore. She'll probably be happy not to, just like her siblings.
Writing this all out makes me feel better. And worse, a little. I'm not sure if anyone will want to read this whole thing. Maybe you've already heard it. If you haven't, you may not want to. Any advice?
