me and noah sept. 2006
You know what's disappointing? Motherhood. I don't mean that being a mother is disappointing. It's not. All the little failures we set ourselves up for, are. Luckily, things with Noah went almost perfect. I gained an "ok" amount of weight, I delivered him completely naturally and was told I was a trooper for doing so without grimacing. Noah hit all of his milestones right on track, and I knew that because I was paying attention and waiting for him to do so. I felt so proud. As he hit a milestone, it confirmed I was a good mother. This was especially important at that time as I was a single mom, which to me, felt like an automatic disadvantage so I was trying to make up for it by being perfect in every other way. I felt like everyone else was doing an inferior job parenting compared to me. I did everything great. I was always prepared, always an extra outfit in my cute diaper bag, never a long fingernail, a messy outfit or a special moment not photographed. The only way I felt like I was lacking was breastfeeding. For the first 5 months or so, Noah gained right on track, 50th percentile (perfect). Then he started to drop more and more until he was 9 months old or so and hit a low between the 5th and 10th percentile for weight. The doctor suggested that my breast milk didn't contain enough calories. I hated it. I worried so much and just wanted him to gain weight but by this time it was too late to supplement with formula, the poison I had opted out of for my perfect baby. The doctor suggested formula but Noah didn't want it because he hadn't had it previously. I nursed him for 12 solid months and then two days after his birthday we stopped and he didn't mind at all. Once he drank whole milk from a sippy and ate more solid food he gained more weight and it's been all fine and normal since then.Hazel came into this world via emergency c-section and then as far as eating habits, she followed Noah's suit. She gained fine for the first 5 months. Then she decided to stop nursing around 9 or 10 months. I thought with Noah maybe I was too extreme losing weight so with Hazel I made sure not to try too hard to lose weight so she could be healthy and breastfed for as long as she wanted. But she didn't want to nurse as long as I wanted her to. It never seemed to satisfy. Every nursing she and Noah did was so short and I knew they must not be getting enough. What do you do when something so "natural" isn't coming naturally. My super easy second birth was supposed to be short, sweet and all natural. The emergency c-section was not that. Then to not be able to meet all of Hazel's needs with breast milk hurt, too. After nine or ten months of nursing she moved straight over to a bottle of whole milk, no formula for her either. She preferred it and I couldn't blame her. I don't want to have a hungry baby.
So this leads me to Olive who also came to this world via c-section and who also seems hungry. Olive's whole life I've been open to supplementing with formula. I told her pediatrician my concerns and he agreed it could be good to supplement. I've had a time consuming calling at church Olive's whole life so when I go to meetings she gets formula from Michael. I never have much milk when I'm pumping so I figured this was a good plan. Ever since her first feeding she has been a way better nurser than the other two. It's so disappointing to not be able to give her everything she needs. In my heart I am a cloth diapering, natural birthing, too long nursing mother but it just isn't so. Cloth diapers made the girls rash, I've had two c-sections instead of three natural births, and my babies are not getting everything they need from my breast milk. Why is motherhood so disappointing? This last week we have had such terrible colds and since I'm breastfeeding (almost exclusively) I didn't want to take much but I did take sudafed a couple of times to make things more bearable. The side effect can be that it dries your milk up some. I don't know if it was that it did that or I worried that it might but I started to give Olive formula more this week and she seems so much more satisfied. I was surprised as I gave one of my children a bottle of formula for the first time, it was perfectly natural. It was like a really good nursing session. Ever since, I've given her formula every day in between nursing and she is so much more satisfied. I'm so happy for her. Why am I sad for me? I don't know if I should even try to nurse her anymore. She'll probably be happy not to, just like her siblings.
Writing this all out makes me feel better. And worse, a little. I'm not sure if anyone will want to read this whole thing. Maybe you've already heard it. If you haven't, you may not want to. Any advice?
17 comments:
I think maybe moms are wired to feel a little bit like failures. If we didn't care so much we would probably just realize/decide parenting is super hard and give up. Does that make sense? I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer to make you feel better, but I don't. Maybe I'm a bad friend. But for what its worth, even if breastfeeding didn't go great and cloth diapers make their bums sore, they are all happy and healthy and cute! You are a really really good mom!!!!
We all have a plan in our heads, before our babies even get here. But unfortunately it doesn't always work out... :[ I was in the same boat with Dmitri. I planned on having him vaginally - but ended up with a c-section. It took me 3 days to even produce colostrum, and it seriously was the tiniest tiniest bit! But I was so proud of it... like it was liquid gold! He ended up in the hospital for 7 days - and I was only there for 5, so they nurses gave him formula, A. because I had nothing to offer at the point, and B. because he needed it. I went home, decided I was going to breastfeed exclusively... but oh my! He nursed for a minimum of an hour!! Once he hit 3 months, it became an hour and a half! Mainly because my milk supply depleted, and so I had no choice but to stop. I just didn't understand, like you said, something so natural was not working! Ugh! But looking at him now, he's healthy, happy, and he doesn't have a clue about any of it. So I'm okay with that. I think we all get a bit disappointed, because no ones plans go perfectly {even though some lead you to believe they do}. But all you can say is you tried your best, and you put forth all your efforts! You are a fantastic mom... with 3 of the happiest kids!! That's something to be proud of! :)
If Olive is happier with formula than go for it. And no, you wouldn't be a bad Mom at all by not nursing. A happy baby makes for a happy mommy. Our youngest was formula fed, it made life much easier/happier.
But cheers to you for trying! Also, I found a recipe the other day for "lactation" cookies, that supposedly up your milk supply. I made some yesterday and they tasted fine, but it hasn't been long enough to verify their claims. If you want the recipe, let me know. :)
I understand the breastfeeding dilemma completely. I had never failed at anything before. Ali was born at a good, healthy weight but lost a ton and didn't get back over it for a couple of months. She would feed for at least an hour on each side have an hour break then want to feed again. We were both wrecks. It was so hard to get over my pride, but once I gave her formula she sucked it in like she had been starving. I felt so bad. We didn't turn back from there.
With the twins there wasn't ever really hope, but I was okay with that because I was already completely sleep deprived.
Bottom line...formula is good. Your baby won't ever think you didn't love him/her as much because you bottle fed. Funny that it took me so long to figure that out.
Oh Rachael, you are a great mom! Something my mom told me has always stuck with me. "As long as your baby is healthy, happy and safe, that's all that matters." I think we all feel a little guilt when things don't go the way we thought they should, but in the end, we just have to remember what's really important. If we've met those 3 goals, we're doing the best we can.
So, I was just thinking, while reading this, that you should come to my pregnancy/women support group, as a guest speaker... most of the girls that come are going to be first time moms and I think this is something they need to hear. I think you are an amazing mother with such cute kids! Also, I'm getting very frustrated with cloth diapering, she gets rashes super easy with them, it's driving me crazy but I feel like I can't stop!
awww HUGE HUGE hugs!!!! I cant tell you how much I can relate to that post!
I think youre doing an amazing job as a woman, a mother, a wife. YTheres always going to be something we wish we did better or more or longer or differently.
We are soooo very blessed - dont get distracted by all that other silly stuff. Your baby is happy and the sad weaning hormones will pass. Promise.
I think a lot of people have the nature of mothering wrong. To me it's as much a time of self-less service as it is for personal growth. Too many people get caught up in how others think they are doing as a parent, but it only matters to those that you are mothering. That's where I try to put my emphasis. It's those moments when no one is looking that I "prove" what a good mom I am ~ reading them a story, caring for them in the middle of the night, listening to him relay a weird story that is disjointed and doesn't make any sense to me. And no one has any idea, except for them. You are a WONDERFUL mom and your kids are blessed to have you. Take it easy on yourself and know you are doing a great job!
We all have been told that breastfeeding is best for our babies. It's been bashed into our heads. And we are a generation/culture that strive to be the best at everything we do, especially at being a mom. When I was talking with my mom about the breastfeeding things after I'd stopped breastfeeding Kherrington, which was at 6 months. At 2-2.5 months when I went to work she would no longer actually feed from the breast, but I continued to pump for 4 more months. It was crazy time consuming and my mom was amazed that I even tried that long. But it's what I felt I needed to do.
I think sometime we just need to give ourselves a break and do what our children are telling us, instead of stressing out that we aren't measuring up, whether it be our own expectations or others. I know you're a great mom, even if you stop breast feeding now.
I think everyone has ideas of how mothering "should" be. But as far as I'm concerned, nothing ever goes how I plan it. :p I struggle with nursing also (along with a whole list of other things...) but in the end all we can do is our best. You're such a great mom and you're doing a wonderful job!
THEY'RE JUST BOOBS! Don't worry, Frenchie. You are the BEST MOM in all the ways that matter. And an even BETTER MOM if your kids are getting the nourishment they need. We have an inkling of hunger and when it's in our power to give nourishment to our little ones, let's do it. You have THREE kids. That's a lot. And if you're getting that heavenly, precious time with Olive via breast or bottle, then enjoy what you have. She's been a good nurser and it sounds like an even better bottler. What I would give to have a kid of mine take one! It's so good, Frenchie. I love you!
p.s.) Love that pic!
p.p.s.) I love that you did a real introspective blog post. Sometimes your words are scarce and you know I'm wordy and love details and I love it when you are, too.
I JUST LOVE YOU!
I think you and I are totally alike not only in what we imagine we should be doing as mothers, but also in the way we feel about ourselves when we don't get it perfectly. I remember feeling that way big time with Breck, and after i had Sienna, I kind of treated it like my do-over... but you know what? I don't feel any different. They're both healthy, growing well, and I love them the same. I mean, you'll always have preferences, which are perfectly normal and fine, just as long as they don't define who we are as mothers, and our focus is continually to make sure our kids are sustained and are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that, even if it means going with another plan.
On another note, I miss you so much, and I'm really sad we didn't get to see eachother before we moved! I so wanted to get something together, but it just got so crazy! I will probably actually be up in August though if you're still there, so we should get together then!
I think it is great to spend time with family, and it looks like you have a wonderful one!
Glad you had fun!
Xo,
E + J
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