so sad

i am heartbroken over the shooting in connecticut this week

we are praying for those who have lost loved ones
and had to live through such a horrible event
i wish we could do more
i hate that this year has brought fear in going to malls, movie theaters,
and now elementary school

it's so sad and hard to understand
i especially can't imagine as a mother
losing one of my children this way
it's all so sad
i know we can lose loved ones at any time
and it is all in God's time
but this hits hard to think of your child not being safe at school
especially hearing about it
while noah was away at school for the day
it took all i had to let him stay there
and finish the day up
it's so senseless

 i am so grateful for my family
i love them so much

and i am grateful for every moment i have with them

yikes!

it started with the bottom step

and then the bottom landing

but now she has gone up all 14 stairs

we need a baby gate stat! 

ballet and tap Christmas recital

hazel had her Christmas ballet recital today

it was just during class at the normal studio

but we were still excited and michael came, too

hazel loved being able to wear a little make up

and that i got all her hair up in a bun

hazel is a natural dancer

i hope she stays with it because she is really good at it

 here are all the girls

 pretty girl

 then it was time for hazel and olive's tap recital

here they are warming up

olive was so excited

 until she realized we forgot her tap shoes at home

(parenting fail)

so she sat out for the rest of class :(

 hazel rocked it

especially for not having done tap until recently

 the whole tap class

minus olive

 hazel went and sat with her for a picture

it broke my heart that olive wouldn't do it without her shoes

because i could've easily run home to get them

but i didn't realize she'd care so much

oh well, there's always the big recital in june

oh, so glamorous

i've always had the desire to be a mom

i love babies, i like kids

i couldn't think of anything more important or worthwhile

michael and i wondered why more people

didn't want kids

or more kids

we thought we'd have 5 or 6

it was so wonderful

even in the hard-ish times

it was still great

and i want to keep feeling this way

but...sheesh! having four kids is really kicking my trash
i'm not used to it being so hard to be a mom

i am tired, overworked and not so enthusiastic

part of it has to do with numbers, four is a lot

part of it to do with eleanor's health issues

and the fact that olive wants to be simultaneously

treated like a big kid and a baby
they don't want to sleep

i don't have the desire to cook

and i'm always behind on cleaning

this last week i had an older couple tell me

they had 8 kids and 4 was the hardest, then it's just steady

not harder

and another old woman told us that 5 was perfect

both gave me hope

so..i'm not saying we won't have any more kids

but at the moment i wish we had less...

how's that for honesty?
i won't name any names..

tonight i was trying to listen to noah reading a book

through hazel screaming (she was in a self appointed time out)

because i wouldn't let her draw on the couch

olive was freaking out in general, lots of kicking and screaming

and eleanor was fussy and in need of a nap
and this is my life

i'm really trying to hold on to the advice of those
who have come before me
that i will miss these days
and to savor them
that i will miss the dirty hand prints
and the pulling of apron strings
sometimes i wish i could miss it already..
but i will try to enjoy it
even when it's hard
i do love them

the picture is from halloween
but it is a good representation of everyday 

something amazing happened today

ever since there was internet i used a hotmail account

it was easy to remember and tell people

it made sense 

but then my sister made me a (ridiculous/inside joke) gmail account and tried pressuring me to use it

i resisted until my hotmail was acting weird 

then i switched over all the way to my gmail

(this is so exciting, right?)

so anyway i've had my e-mails forwarded to my new gmail

for the last few years

and haven't opened my hotmail at all

then today gmail notified me i wasn't getting them anymore

so i found my way back into my hotmail

and all the gems that are in there

luckily for my mental health i'd deleted all e-mails from my ex-husband

but saved all the e-mails michael has sent me

including this first picture he took 

so cute, right? noah was so tiny!

and bald

the best part was reading all of michael's e-mails

with him 

we laughed so hard i cried

(mostly at his grammatical errors)

it was the best

and i fell in love with that guy all over again

insta-olsons

 eleanor found the tree, making gingerbread cookies with dad

 hot chocolate, wrapping presents

santa baby, Christmas cards and cookies

our big adventure

we woke up this morning with zero plans

and a full "bean jar" 

our bean jar is a reward system we've been using recently

every time the kids do something good or make a good choice 

they get to put a dry kidney bean in a mason jar

we usually wait until bedtime and evaluate the day

and they get their beans for the day

 it takes about a month to fill it

and really motivates them to get their pjs on quickly, 

be reverent for scriptures and prayer, help clean, etc.

last time they filled it we went to the movies and saw "wreck it ralph" 

this time we went on an adventure

today happened to be the first day the "front runner" train 

was going from provo to salt lake city

and it was free today

so we braved the cold (37 degrees) and stood in line for almost an hour

(michael and the kids went to get hot cocoa and almost missed our train)

and finally made our way on 

 trying to keep warm in line

so happy to be warm, on the train and drinking hot chocolate

 eleanor was so cute bundled up

michael enjoying his hot chocolate and a view out the window

as excited as all the kids were

olive is currently the most interested in trains

so it was fun to watch her take it all in

 we made our way to the city creek mall and walked around

we let the kids play in the kid area

and then at the disney store for a while

 olive made a friend at anthropologie

 and we braved our way back to the train station 

michael was wearing eleanor, hazel was sitting on the front part of the stroller,

the back seat of the stroller had all our purchases, noah walked (thank goodness)

and olive insisted on being in the wrap

it was a crazy day with the weather

and the super long lines and long train rides

but it was so nice, a fun adventure, the kids loved it

and we met some of the nicest people

the kids felt like it was a really good use of their earned beans

a few ideas

thank you for your comments and suggestions yesterday!
i really appreciate it

i scoured my "make it" pinterest board 

for my favorite ideas yesterday and here's where i'm at

i love this idea to monogram basic totes using a doily for girls/women

and maybe these chalkboard composition notebooks for nephews?

there is still the option of making and personalizing these pencil pouches

or i could make everyone personalized ornaments

have you heard of the caravanshoppe?

you buy the digital download and can use it as many times as you want

(for personal use only, of course)

i just won $14 credit there from a blog giveaway so i may go that route, too

they have lots of cute ideas like these olliblocks

i made my first gift yesterday

an infinity scarf using some remnant fabric from joanns

it was really easy so maybe that'll be a good gift for the ladies in our lives

if you want to make one and not wing it

here's a tutorial to use 

so that's where i'm at

as far as handmade Christmas gifts

although this may all change after my trip to hobby lobby later today

but maybe these ideas will help some of you?

unmotivated

every year i try to make handmade gifts 

i especially like to make them for our nieces and nephews

there are around 25 of them between the two of us but i want them to know

i remember them and love them

one year i made these black apple dolls 

another year i made all the kids super hero capes

another year i made all the women in our lives

moms, grandmas, sisters and sisters in law aprons

and last year i made our nieces flowers for their hair

and our nephews signs for their rooms

this year...i've got nothing

no ideas and no motivation

any suggestions?

eleanor is eight months

a few of my favorite things about eleanor right now
she's a go getter, she pulls herself up to the couch
and she's starting to climb the stairs
it makes me a little nervous but i'm still proud of her

she has started to use her little voice

and it is very sweet and kind of breathy

she claps her hands and loves it if you do it with her

she has the cutest two bottom teeth

she is happy and a bit of a mommy's girl
which i don't mind one bit...ok i could do with a little less hair pulling
but i love that she prefers me

patterned tights

 shirt: target, skirt: old navy, belt: jcrew, earrings: vintage, tights: forever 21, shoes: steve madden

after we took our Christmas pictures yesterday

i finished getting ready for church 

and added these patterned tights 

and cameo earrings my mom gave me when i was little

they're still a favorite

 i just got this shirt the other day on clearance at target for $10

annnnnnnnnd....i love it! 

Christmas card outtakes

luckily the first few we took were really good

but i thought it would be fun to show the outtakes 

you'll just have to wait for Christmas to see the good one
 and sorry they are dark so, i didn't brighten them since they're outtakes

ps. i asked the kids what they want for Christmas
 and noah wants 2 ninjago packs with spinners and a new game on dad's phone
 and hazel wants a wand, barbie clothes, and an umbella