another baby

having four kids was really hard for us

mostly for me

between going 9 days over my due date and laboring for so long 

only to have yet another c-section

recovering while michael was finishing his last month of his bachelors

then at five weeks eleanor developed her milk protein allergy

and a few days later was hospitalized with a really high fever

that was from possibly a kidney infection

and turned in to roseola

i experienced post partum depression for the first time

then we moved a few states away from friends and family

for michael to start his masters

when she was almost 4 months old

it was rough for a while

but never because of sweet eleanor

she is the sweetest, calmest, most easy going girl

and i am so grateful she is in our family

i cannot imagine our lives without her

and i am so grateful for the happiness she brings every single day

...

after all of this i wasn't too excited at the thought of having another one

michael and i were both pretty overwhelmed with four kids

and hadn't been ready to even think of the possibility of ever having another one

this last february i was feeling pretty settled we wouldn't have any more children

when hazel out of the blue asked when we would have another one

and i didn't know what to tell her

then michael's cousin jennie watched our kids for the day

and we went to the salt lake temple on february 23rd

we were doing a session and got stuck between rooms

they weren't ready for us to move on

so i wondered to myself what i should do

and the only thing i could think of was pray

it felt like a pretty special opportunity to sit in a room  in the temple

in the peace and quiet and say a little prayer

before i could ask anything

i felt a prompting that yes we should have more children

and it should be around our normal time

not having a huge gap or anything

i was pretty taken back by the response i got from a question i never asked

so when i was talking with michael in the celestial room after the session

i told him

and he had been given the same feeling

we are supposed to have another baby

eleanor was 10 months old at the time

and we knew we weren't ready yet

but i was grateful Heavenly Father was helping to prepare my heart

we started to plan to start trying to have another baby in september

eleanor would be 17 months old and it would be close to our "natural timing"

...

then recently (in june or so) i started to wake up in the morning

and feel like my womb was empty

like i was ready to get pregnant again

i had already run a half marathon, and i felt like my body was in decent shape again

and it just started to feel like time

one morning in sacrament meeting (june 30) i was feeling so happy

i'm not overwhelmed with my children, i love them so much

we are happy and things feel easier again

and when i heard michael singing, i just got an overwhelming feeling of love for him

and a few minutes later

michael scooted close to me 

and said, "i don't feel like i want to wait until september to try and have a baby,

maybe we should try sooner"

i told him i'd been feeling the same way

let me tell you something

i love this man so, so much

i don't know many men who are so open to a large family

and i couldn't imagine being more in tune with my spouse

michael is amazing

and exactly the husband i have always dremt of

we are very in sync and i am so grateful

four kids isn't hard anymore

...

five children feels like a lot

and i'm sure it will be hard, it's always hard

but it's so, so worth it

we are happy

we never regret our children

they are the greatest blessings

several of our siblings have 4 kids

no one has 5, so it's uncharted territory

with a large family, you need less playdates

you get invited to less things

it separates you from other people
but i am happy to be a stay at home mom

i am committed to my children

to diapers and breastfeeding and homework and clean clothes and dinners

michael is a committed and involved father

 happy to spend as much time with our family as possible

neither of us avoids our family

we go places, we ride bikes, we take little adventures

and we're always together

i can't wait to add another little darling to our family

and i am grateful for michael and that he's excited, too

i know i am lucky to have a husband who is home and helpful

and involved like he is
...
we started trying early
and got pregnant on the first try!
this little spirit really wants to come to our family
i am 5 weeks along (on august 4th)
and due april 3rd, a day before eleanor turns two
and totally showing already, something about the fifth...
my body realllly knows what it's doing
and i've already been moody, had headaches, look pregnant
we haven't told anyone yet
even though it's really tempting to especially tell our kids
but we haven't yet and i told michael they'll notice soon enough
with my belly
then tonight noah said (while patting my stomach)
"i think you're starting to get pregnant"
i just laughed and said, "you think so?"
...
(august 7th)
we decided to tell the kids about the baby
we started by telling olive last night
she was so cute and said, "where is it?"
"there a baby in my kummy?" and i said, "there is?"
and she said, "not yet" she was really excited
she thinks the baby will be a girl like eleanor
then this morning olive was saying, "hazel, hazel! there a baby in mommy's kummy!"
she didn't say it very clearly and hazel kind of ignored her
so i asked if she heard and she kind of had
she was a little shy about it. she has a hard time with change
but i know she'll be excited as it gets closer
then noah woke up and i told him to come down stairs
and asked if he remembered that he thought there was a baby in my tummy the other day....
he was right, there is! he was so excited!
he's really hoping for a brother
who can blame him?
he is really happy and thinks it's funny
that the baby will have the first birthday in the family each year
i'm glad i told them, even though they might let it slip
they can understand why i'm grumpy, tired,
and they can't be rough near my stomach
...
(august 12th---six weeks along)
we told our parents last night
and they're really excited
it will be baby #23 on my side and #9 on michael's side