baby number six

FYI---this is a very long stream of consciousness/journal
i've been keeping since our last pregnancy that ended in miscarriage in november
through now
i figured i'd share it all just for my own memory

october 26, 2015

we found out we're pregnant last wednesday (october 21)

we started trying a month or two ago

and we think we had a really early miscarriage last month because we were 100% sure

i was pregnant

and then i started my period and passed some large blood clots

so that was a bummer

but really a huge blessing

because that helped us realize how badly we wanted another baby

we decided to keep trying, thinking maybe it would take a few months

i took a pregnancy test a week or two ago

and it was negative

then i took another one and it was negative

so last wednesday when i took one and it was positive i was shocked

so happy, but shocked

michael was home before work when i took it

and we were both super happy and totally surprised

we are so excited to have our last baby

i have thought i would have 6 kids since i was little

it feels very natural

like it's always been the plan and what i'm meant to do

we are nothing but excited for this baby

which is funny because i spent henry's whole pregnancy nervous about 5 kids

and it's been amazing having him

we are nothing but excited for this one

before we decided for sure if we'd have a sixth baby or not

i realized i would be really sad not to

michael and i both think we'll have a girl

(don't get me wrong, i'd be thrilled if it were a boy so we'd have 3 of each like my family)

the day we had eleanor, michael thought of the name ruth constance

he said, "i thought of the perfect name if we ever have another girl"

which was crazy because we were already having our THIRD girl in a row

i never really wanted another girl after that

but he thought of this name, the perfect name

ruth-after my sweet grandma (who never used it because she thought it was her middle name)

and constance is my mom's first name

and baby names don't come super easily to michael

but it was really so perfect

anyway, i put it out of my mind

and when we were pregnant with henry, i really wanted a boy

for some balance in our family, for noah

and we got him

and he is the perfect little boy

and i love what he has added to our family

and now that we have him i feel like i could happily have another boy or girl

but when i thought of never having another baby

i kept thinking about little ruthie

and how she needs to come to our family

i realize this may seem crazy

because we have no idea if it will be a boy or a girl

and we are positive we are done after this

six has always been my max

and i'm planning to get my tubes tied during my c-section

not to mention it's going to be my fifth c-section

so i probably should be done either way

six kids has always felt very natural to me (youngest of six here)

but seven has seemed crazy

so as much as i love having babies

i am ready to put pregnancy and babies behind me after this

i am due june 20th

which is kind of awesome because we have had babies in march, april, may and july

so we're filling in the gap

and it'll be before my 31st birthday

so i will have had my kids at 20, 22, 24, 26, 28, and 30

that's a lot of pregnancies

and i am so grateful for each of them

we just saw my brother ryan, both my sisters, all our parents and michael's grandma

this last weekend and it was SO hard not to tell all of them

it would have been perfect

but we'd just found out

and want to keep it to ourselves for a little while

plus, the longer we can go without telling the kids, the better

pregnancy is long and it's hard for them to wait so long

so we are hoping to wait to tell our families until thanksgiving

although we doubt we can wait that long to tell people around us 

because i show so early

anyway, just a few thoughts on our very exciting news
.....
a few more thoughts
it's november 2nd and i'm 7 weeks along
my mom called a few days ago and flat out asked if i am pregnant so i told her
they were really happy
then tonight during family home evening we told the kids
they are all soooo happy
and hazel said, "i thought you were"
and then we were talking and i said how my stomach is getting big
and she said that's how she knew
they are all so happy and it makes me really happy
noah said it turned his whole day around because he was having a pretty bad one
and now he couldn't be happier
he's hoping for another boy so they can play boys against girls evenly
olive and eleanor are so happy
eleanor is hoping there are three babies
and olive cannot wait to have another baby
they all gave my belly hugs at bedtime tonight
they make me so happy
on another note
ever since henry was born i've felt like someone was missing
it happens often to me and sometimes to michael
and started within a week or two of him being born
and never before him
so we're pretty excited to get this baby here and stop feeling like he or she is missing
............
february 9, 2016
well it's been almost three months since i miscarried our baby
but last week we found out we're expecting again
which is the best news
just as i was content with our family
and accepting of maybe never having that sixth baby
i got a positive pregnancy test
 it feels like it's taken six months to get to this point
because it has
i almost felt like we were having infertility
which isn't the case
but we've been trying since late august to get pregnant
and even though we were...we miscarried
so we had to try all over again
we are SO happy to be expecting again
i feel like things feel better than they did last time
i'm starting to show a little bit
i'm super tired
things are good
i am so, so happy
our timing is off because of the miscarriage
and i couldn't care less
even if we have to buy new baby clothes because the seasons are off
even if i'm going to have a very pregnant summer
i could not be happier
i know what a gift this is
and that it's not in my control
so i am just extremely grateful
we are now due in october
it'll be a totally different experience
i am really anxious to tell the kids because they will be so happy
but i'm trying to wait until after the first ultrasound
not that they won't notice soon
i think i'll be six weeks tomorrow
i'm nervous about miscarrying again
but the chances are low and things feel better this time than they did last time
so fingers crossed and lots of prayers that this baby arrives safe and sound
......
february 26, 2016

we had our ultrasound yesterday
we thought i was 8 weeks 1 day
but the ultrasound put me at 6 weeks 3 days
which is totally fine, and pretty normal for me
we thought we must have conceived late because the positive test took a while
and my cycles are weird
so now we're due october 17th instead of the 5th
i was expecting this so it's not too shocking
of course, i wish i was a little further along
but there was a little heartbeat
so that's all i can ask for
i am so grateful
we told the kids last night
we've kept it from them for 3 weeks and we were dying to tell them
they were so excited

 mind you, olive was sick but she is really happy, too
i love hazel's open mouth and noah's arm in the air :)

 now we just wait and pray that things continue to develop normally
(my fist pregnant picture with this baby)
i feel wider this time than i did with henry
my jeans didn't want to go all the way up before i even got a positive pregnancy test
because my hips were wider already...eek!
it's a different shape but i'll take it

a picture michael took of me last week

march 31, 2016

i had my 11/12 week appointment today with the doctor

and she didn't find the heartbeat off the bat but it's early for that 

so she sent me for an ultrasound

i've had quite a bit of anxiety this pregnancy because of miscarrying a few months ago

so i was really hoping for some assurance at my appointment

that would put my mind at ease, a heart beat or ultrasound

i was so glad to have an ultrasound

our baby is so cute! and big and active with a strong little heartbeat

i am so grateful

michael was with me and couldn't have been happier

it was a really special moment

and it put our minds at ease completely

while also making us extremely happy

the baby was also measuring closer to my first due date so i wonder if the doctor

will switch it back

that would be great but i'm happy either way

there's a healthy baby growing, such a miracle

and i am so grateful