miscarraige

writing this post is a little big daunting

most people didn't even know i was pregnant

which is weird, right?

i normally share my pregnancies pretty early on

but this time, whenever i told someone my heart sank a little bit

i'll start at the beginning because i'm probably going to want to remember all of this one day

we started trying to get pregnant a couple months ago

with the plan that this would be our last baby

we didn't get pregnant the first month even though we were sure i was

then we started taking tests before my missed period in october, the next month

with a bunch of negative tests i was getting a little bummed

finally, the day before we left for seattle i took one last test

and by this time i was a week late

it finally said i was pregnant! 

i was so shocked

and SOOO happy

michael was too

i was five weeks pregnant

we went to seattle

saw lots of family and didn't tell anyone we were pregnant because it was such a shock

we came home and told them a few days later

then told the kids at 7 weeks

we planned on waiting a little longer but the time felt right

they were SO happy

like, over the moon excited

and after that, the baby was just part of our family

i started getting bigger

 to be honest, things didn't feel 100% right

something felt wrong...not all the time

but more than it ever has with any of my other pregnancies

i would feel really pregnant sometimes and hardly at all other times

i was starving, exhausted and my head was so foggy

which are all pretty normal

but something just felt "off"

 last saturday night i went to girls' night

and felt a gush of fluid

but i wasn't completely alarmed because i'd had a gush of fluid a week or two earlier

that was apparently nothing

so i assumed it was the same thing happening again

a couple hours later i got home, went to the bathroom and realized it was blood

quite a bit, too

so i figured, whatever was going to happen was going to happen

by the morning it had mostly trickled off but i called my OB anyway

they said to go to the ER 

my sweet friend crystal came and watched the kids

and we went to the ER

they tested my blood and urine and eventually did an ultrasound

the regular ultrasound was very alarming because she wasn't seeing a baby

at 9 weeks you should definitely see a baby

but she said my dates were probably off and did a vaginal ultrasound

that showed a 5 week gestational sac 

so....that's not terrible news

my bleeding had mostly stopped, my blood and urine looked good 

and showed that i was definitely pregnant

and we were just a MONTH behind schedule as far as dates were concerned

no big deal

having a baby july 20th rather than june 20th 

meant we still get a baby next summer

hooray

 we got home from the hospital a little before noon

and somehow made it to 1:00 church on time

with our five beautiful children and a baby in the womb

 the next day (monday) i started bleeding again but it wasn't a huge shock after the vaginal ultrasound

so i didn't think too much of it

i called the OB and they said to watch for period-like bleeding

and call if anything changed

tuesday my bleeding got worse

a lot worse

and by that evening i had to lay down in the fetal position because there was really painful cramping

eventually i was in so much pain the only thing i could liken it to was labor contractions

that would not quit

no break in between to catch your breath

when we went to sleep that night i was so tired that i fell right asleep despite the pain

and figured i was miscarrying

but that there isn't anything anyone could do about it anyway except wait

i woke up at 3:30 in the morning, went to the bathroom and the baby/tissue left my body

it was over

and honestly at first i was relieved

my body was tired, i had been so confused about the dates and what was happening

i spent the first few hours feeling super relieved it was done

 the next day i called the OB and told them what happened

i was so grateful they let me stay home rather than going in for labs and all that

they let me watch and wait and make sure i was ok myself

the nurse told me she was sure that my dates were correct, i was nine weeks

and the baby had stopped developing weeks ago and it just took my body a while to figure it out

it's been a hard thing to get through

the physical pain and exhaustion caught me off guard all of wednesday

and a little thursday

michael went to work wednesday (the day it happened)

thinking i was pretty much fine 

so he got the kids off to school for me and then went to work

which was ok...until it wasn't

i held on just fine all morning

and then after olive got home from school and suddenly she and henry and eleanor

all needed lunch 

and i needed lunch

i was starving and light headed and so tired i could hardly stand

i made it through lunch and then had to lay down for a few hours

by the time michael got home from work i was pretty mad at him for leaving me alone all day

i have been very high and low

and realizing what this means for us has been high and low, too

thursday was still pretty rough physically but it was so nice michael stayed home with me

he helped with the kids

friends brought meals and flowers and treats

and so many people e-mailed and texted and called

it was all so sweet

friday michael and i went to the temple

and just sat in the celestial room together

i wans't up for more physically and it was just what i needed spiritually and emotionally

we know this is all in the Lord's hands and when the time is right, we'll try again 

maybe in a year or so

yesterday i was still a little wiped out

we've been distracting ourselves by rearranging the kids rooms and working on the house a little

today i felt a lot better physically

my bleeding has lessened and i feel pretty good

but emotionally i've been super sad

it's really hitting me today and i've been on the verge of tears all day

i am sad that i went to church pregnant last week

and i'll go not pregnant this week

it has been a really rough week

with waves of emotion hitting me at unexpected times

i feel almost guilty that michael took thursday and friday off

and that people have brought flowers and cards and meals

but michael assures me it's ok taking a turn being the one in need

and i am so grateful for all of the love i have felt this week

i know Heavenly Father loves me and his plan is way better than mine

it will all work out 

but it's still hard

and it will be for a while