thoughts on phases

last night in bed i was thinking

about phases of my life

about how i've changed and grown

i could categorize these phases geographically

where i was living at each of these phases

kent, vancouver, kent, port angeles, kent, pullman, utah

i could base it off major life changes

like married, divorced, child, married, child, child, child

 i was thinking of my own childhood

as the youngest child of six

to busy working parents

who wanted us to raise ourselves

find our own food, make our own choices

how i went from wanting to fit in to wanting to be an individual

then in my naivety i got married when i was 17

and how i went from being an independent person 

to one of two people in a relationship

the one who didn't know about the constant lying

or the cheating, the stealing, or addictions

i was the depressed and confused one 

who just didn't know what was going on 

the one who was always wrong

and hurt and miserable

in this phase i shaved my head, i got tattoos, i drank,

i smoked, if i'd been offered drugs i surely would have quickly 

grown attached

in this phase i eventually found my own way

i had to hit rock bottom, want to die

there i found my testimony of Jesus Christ 

with or without my other half

then eventually i was to become a mother

we were expecting a baby

and i had to make the decision to be a single mom

i knew in my heart that i could do it better alone

than we could do it together

this was a phase of independence

i was hurt, alone, and yet strong

i got through

not to say it was easy by any means

i still wanted to die

i was confused how my life had got to this point

then i met michael and he listened and wanted to understand

we got married

and there was a phase of healing

i had to let go of unhealthy marriage habits
start over, in a way

and learn to trust

i learned to share the process of carrying a baby

and having a family with someone

something i only knew how to do by myself

michael was patient

even through my yelling, my fighting, my healing

he expected it and let it pass

then we moved away from the place where we grew up

we moved away to the middle of no where

so he could go to school

and it turned out to be the key to my healing

we started over by ourselves

we grew closer than ever before
and had two more babies

 now we've moved again

and i don't know what phase this is

i suppose we'll see how we change and grow here
i didn't like utah at all when we moved here
but it's growing on me
i don't want to settle here
 but i am sure we'll miss it when we're gone
i am getting a little excited for the "done with school" phase