i mean i can handle it
but the kids are in bed and i'm by myself
there's only so much to look at online
and so many projects i can do on my own
and tetris attack is fun but my back starts to ache if i sit there in front of the tv too long
i feel so lame
and lonely
whenever i have bad feelings
they automatically lead back to other bad feelings
which always lead to thinking of my exhusband
i hate it
and i love it at the same time
it's a never ending pool of feeling sorry for myself
something i've always been good at
is that depression?
feeling sorry for your self all the time
because if so i've had it since before high school when i was on prozac
i've had it since i can first remember
i always want to be as good as everyone else
or wish i had good ideas first
i'm even happy being myself as long as i can be better than anyone else
which is why i always think of my exhusband
he didn't want to be married to me anymore
just weeks after we found out i was pregnant
i had just turned 20
now i'm 23 and i'm married to the most wonderful husband
and we have two beautiful children
but i still feel sad
not just sad
sorry for myself
and empty
i don't like that i'm divorced
and i don't like that i couldn't stay married
i would definitely prefer to go through life having only ever had 1 husband
not two
do you know what that's like to have had 2 husbands by the age of 22?
it's weird
if you do know, because it's happened to you, i don't want to know
i'm feeling sorry for myself, remember?
i just hate that i have been left
me who had ceasures as a toddler when left
and held my breath to pass out when left
got left
and i'm still not over it
i of course don't want my exhusband
i love michael
but i wish it never happened
i hate that my exhusband can move on and pretend it never happened
that would be easier for me
if i could've walked away from everything the way he easily could
he gets to move on
and forget me
and it sucks because even if i ever had the chance to talk to him again
he would probably hurt me all over again
and lie
because he doesn't know how to live without lying
at least that's how he was
and i'm pretty sure that's how he is
i hate thinking about him
i hate it
i wonder if he reads this blog
it would be smart of him since i cut him off from seeing our son
he gave up for adoption
i almost wish he would read this so he could see what our son is like
although he's not "our" son anymore
but i feel guilty that i cut it all off
or maybe i just wish i could see him
i've always hoped that one day he'd change
or realize how badly he hurt me
and tore my life apart
or could feel for a minute how awful he made me hurt
but it wouldn't matter
i just wish i didn't think about him every day
the days i don't think about him
i dream about him
it's awful
when will it stop?
how do i get over this?
it's part of my life
and it was mostly unpleasant
but i feel like an idiot to ever remember the good times
and i feel like i've changed so much since then
but i have a bad memory
and i just kind of want to remember what i was like as a person
the whole thing is blocked out
except the bad parts
like the day he told me he lied to me just to get me to marry him and then how i kicked his windshield from the inside and cracked it
or the times we fought and i feel like i cried every night for a year or something
and he didn't care
he'd just leave
because that's what hurts me
most
michael is so wonderful
i hate that i have any thought of any other man ever
especially while i'm dreaming
i feel so weak
and like such a failure
i have a hole inside of my body
and it wants to cry
and be full
but it can't
i don't get it
i know i'm stronger because of it
and i know i couldn't have michael if i didn't have exhusband
but it still sucks
and michael hates talking about these things
whenever it comes up he either avoids it
or is a little too understanding which feels like he's avoiding it
he doesn't like problems
he likes life to be perfect
i really shouldn't post this but i'm going to
maybe i need to talk about things
and this is my way of getting it out there?
sigh
sorry
i have an honesty problem
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